Texas Hold 'em

t_m #189 - If you could read my mind right now…

2007-08-16T14:47:46Z

I could give you a million examples of when what I said wasn’t what I was thinking. Practically every damn interview I do is an exercise in restraint; stopping myself from saying how I’m really feeling. How ‘bout I give you a little insight into interpreting Jensen Ross Ackles, when people ask me the same dumbass questions over and over.

“I love my fans” = I love their support, but some of them scare the shit outta me.

“I’m a skeptic, but I’m open to the possibility of the Supernatural, thanks to the show” = Dude, ghosts aren’t real, the Hook Man isn’t real. They’re called Urban legends for a reason; turn off the X-files and go engage with the real fucking world.

“I’m proud of the show” = I wish some of the writers could be half as invested as I am. And lets face it, it’s never gonna change the world.

“Emotional scenes are satisfying” = From an acting standpoint, they are, but when I get home I just wanna curl up in the shower and cry some more – tapping into the places that let me present scenes like that make me feel like someone’s punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my heart. It drains me for days.

“I’m a private person” = If one more photographer shoves a camera in my face, I’m gonna go Sean Penn on their ass.

“Jared and I are good friends” = You’d rip my career away from me if I told you the truth.

So yeah, I’ve learned to internalize, to say the opposite of what I’m thinking. Keeps the press off my back and my publicist sweet, anyway.

Muse: Jensen Ackles
Fandom: RPS
Word Count: 281

t_m #183 - Tell me a secret

2007-08-16T14:41:34Z

You want a secret? I’m not as much of a hardass as I’d like to pretend I am. Sure, I’m not quite the explosion of fluff and sugar that Jay is, either – but when it comes to romance; I’m a big ol’ cornball at heart.

I loved designing rings for my girlfriends with pearls I handpicked just to find the perfect match; I love wine and candlelit dinners, horseback riding in the moonlight, curling up on the couch and making out like teenagers for hours and hours, just to feel the intimacy between us. I love the sight of my boy after he nails a difficult scene, beaming all bright and dimpled ‘til it makes my chest ache with pride. I love spending hours with massage oils relearning every inch of each other’s bodies, and curling up in the tub with strawberries and champagne, making beards out of the bubbles and dropping the strawberries in the water cause we’re too busy laughing. I love wrestling for who tops, or just laying back and spreading wide, ‘cause it doesn’t matter a good goddamn who’s inside who as long as we’re together. I may play the belligerent asshole on TV, and I may be as emotionally stunted as all fuck sometimes, get myself too tightly wound and in my own head, but when it comes to love? I’m as soft and gooey as they come.

Just don’t tell Jay that.

Muse: Jensen Ackles
Fandom: RPS
Word Count: 235

m_p # 100: He doesn't live here anymore

2007-06-17T05:14:04Z

More and more frequently lately, Jensen’s been looking around his apartment and thinking, this isn’t home. It’s not even his apartment in LA, which remains dust covered and unattended for about nine months out of the year anyway; no, this is his Vancouver apartment, the one he rented throughout Dark Angel, Smallville, hell, even Devour, though he’s loathe to mention that one. He finally bit the bullet when Supernatural got picked up for a second season and just bought the place, sick of the pretense of living in hotels or suites the studio pays for, wanted something that was his- hard earned and long ingrained as habit.

And now he has it, but it’s more than four walls and a fridge stocked with beer and week old pizza; he has Jared. He has Jared’s apartment, unofficially and off the record or not. They spend more time there because Jay has the dogs, because it feels more like home than anywhere else he’s ever known- home like his lover’s overenthusiastic ape arms wrapping round him at some event or in private, home like that smile that lights up the room and makes Jensen’s chest ache, home like Jared’s grip on his hips as he slides in and buries himself in Jensen to the hilt.

Jensen doesn’t live in his apartment anymore; he goes to check messages from people that can never know where he really is, entertain guests that wouldn’t understand if they knew the truth, pick up the mail that he doesn’t feel comfortable redirecting, no matter how often Jared insists it’s okay.

He doesn’t live here anymore, he’s got a new home now.

Muse: Jensen Ackles
Fandom: RPS
Word Count: 274

Update and values

2007-05-11T14:57:59Z

So. In England now. It's rained pretty much non-stop since I landed, which might be indicative of something highly symbolic regarding my mental state, or it's just... atmospheric shifts or whatever. I've slept off my jetlag now and Justin, Allie, Alona and Nicki have been keepin' me company, which is fun ~~but it's just not the same without Jay here~~.

Little worried about gettin' tongue-tied if the fans ask me a tricky question without anyone here to take the heat off me, but thems the breaks; and what Jared's doing is real important to his career, so we won't hold it against him too much, the big cancelly canceller.

daughterof_evil and a certain super-agent had a real interesting questionnaire that I'm now stealing to pass the time, because there's probably a limit to how many times you can empty the mini-bar in three days.

What's the worst thing someone could do? Purposefully hurt someone else.
What's the worst thing someone could do to you? Betray my trust
What's the worst thing that could happen to you? ~~Jay could leave me~~ That I'd end up alone.
What's the worst thing someone could say about a person? The truth; it hurts a hell of a lot more than fiction if it's well aimed.
What's the best thing someone could say about a person? The truth; if you mean it from your heart.

Are men and women basically different? More than basically.
Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man? A man, since I wouldn't have any frame of reference for the alternative- no matter what Jared says.
What can men do that women can't do? Gotta be careful with this one so all the ladies don't beat on me. Uh, pee standing up?
What can women do that men can't do? Multitask.
Is it possible to change genders? I hear it's been done.

How old is old enough to have sex? When you're ready.
Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried? If it was, I'd be screwed right now.
Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married? Yeah, marriage is for life, not just for Christmas.
Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender? If it's wrong then I don't wanna be right.
Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)? No. But remember bestality is a crime, kids.
Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time? Like, a threesome? That'd be fun. Cheating on a partner is much less so.
Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love? No, but love probably helps.

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child? To love, protect, support and encourage.
What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child? Same deal.
What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent? The Bible says honor, I say respect if they've earnt it.
Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child? Child.
Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse? Cherish them both, but partner comes first.
Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse? Kinda a moot point for me, but both in different ways.
Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried? I don't think so.
Is abortion wrong? Under some circumstances.
Is contraception wrong? No way.

Is there one true religion? One true God, maybe, but not one true religion.
Does a deity or deities exist? I like to think so.
How important is it to believe in a deity or deities? It's important to me.
How important is it to actively practice your religion? It's more important to live my life in the right way than sing hymns. A lot of people practice in the wrong ways.
Does magic exist? I wouldn't rule it out, with my job.
Is practicing magic wrong? My beliefs say it's dangerous, but I'm not one to judge.

Is killing always wrong? Yeah, it's not our job to decide who lives or dies.
Is war always wrong? Yeah, especially ones started by Bush.
How old is old enough to fight in a war? That's like asking how old is old enough to be taken out and ritually sacrificed. There's no good age for being lambs to the slaughter.
Is rape always wrong? Yes.
Is torture always wrong? Not in the bedroom. ~~Cocktease~~
Is theft always wrong? There are degrees. People have their reasons, if they're unselfish, then it's more understandable.
Is slavery wrong? Always.
Is lying wrong? Yes, but necessary sometimes.
Is swearing wrong? Grandma would whack me for sayin' so, but fuck no.

Well, that killed a little while; time to go do a couple phone interviews ~~then some phone sex~~.

v_c #03: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

2007-05-08T06:29:08Z

God, I hope not; I know what it feels like, and damn, it ain’t pretty. There was this rumour from the mouth of one Miss Jessica Simpson that I was her first love and I’d broken hers, but just like her tuna that’s apparently actually chicken- she’s talking crap. For one thing, since me and LeAnn (Rimes, we’re buddies from back in Texas- it’s true, Hollyood really is that incestuous, everbody knows everybody) were never dating, and me and Jessica were never dating, it woulda been kinda hard for me to cheat on Jessica with LeAnn, right? She had a crush on me back then, I think- and to someone as ditzy as Jessica, hell, maybe she really thought that our sisters doing ballet together actually meant that we were engaged, or something. Still, I won’t be losing any sleep over that heartbreak.

Maybe I kinda broke my mother’s a little bit when I decided not to study sports medicine at TTU; she was real worried about the acting gig, wanted me to have something more stable and closer to home, especially what with my dad being an actor and all- they both knew how risky the business could be. I think mostly she just didn’t want me to get hurt- knowing how a lotta folk in Hollywood end up bitter and jaded, and I guess looking at me at least post Joanna, maybe she had a point. Still, you can’t avoid risk just ‘cause you might get hurt or end up with egg on your face, right? Luckily for me the gamble paid off, but I still think a part of her will always regret that I’m so far away from them all back home, I am both blessed and cursed with a very protective family.

Still, as long as I never break a certain person’s heart, I know I’m doing good; because he’s really the only one I worry about hurting these days, and I know that I’m not always real eloquent with my words and end up saying things I regret sometimes. I’m just damn lucky that he’s a hell of a lot more tolerant and patient than I am, or this thing we have would probably have been over before it began. So ask me again in a few years, and I hope to God my answer’ll be the same.

Muse: Jensen Ackles
Fandom: RPS
Word count: 394

t_m # 177: Who has made you smile recently?

2007-05-08T06:24:51Z

My damn goofball of a ~~boyfriend~~ co-star has made it his life’s ambition to make me smile as much as he possibly can. He thinks I’m wound too tight and overthink things too much, which is probably true. Just yesterday, he dragged me round to his place and proceeded to show me how he’d made an entire street on that dumbass Sims computer game devoted to us and folk we know.

Mike and Tom had their own pimped out place with full on Superman décor, Jeff had a swinging bachelor pad, and don’t even get me started on the place he had made for me and him. But of course then he also showed me Sam and Dean’s house, my character Jason from Smallville with his character Dean from Gilmore girls, my CJ with his Wade from House of Wax… and then my Alec goin’ around and seducing everyone he could get his transgenic hands on. I said that it really should’ve been Dean’s job on that front, but he gasped and told me that Sam and Dean were ‘OTP’, whatever the hell that means, and that Alec was my next sluttiest character. I swear; I don’t know what goes on in that boy’s mind half the time. But I think it was those videos he’d captured of just what all these Sims do to each other when left to their own devices… not to mention that he’s somehow found a patch to remove the pixels that’re supposed to cover a Sim’s modesty… let’s just say that art imitates life as far as those Jared Sims are concerned; everything’s very proportional.

I think it’s more the fact that he’s so willing to try that makes me smile, above any of the crazy-ass things he does to make me.

Muse: Jensen Ackles
Fandom: RPS
Word count: 304

t_m #171: What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made in a relationship?

2007-05-08T06:21:06Z

Well, when I’m asked this question in interviews, I usually tell the tale of giving my then-girlfriend a suitcase for a birthday present because I’m sucky at gifts; but

I know I’m stubborn, or as certain people have called it in the past, ‘uncompromising’. I wall off and I refuse to back down and at the drop of a hat, if things get scary- I’ll push folk away. It’s no-one’s fault but my own (well, that’s not strictly true, but it was still true before I met Joanna) but I was raised in a pretty religious family in conservative Texas, and as the middle child I was always pretty reserved anyway, so I guess I just never really learned to express my feelings all that well. Hell, when girls I was crushing on usedta talk to me, I’d actually make a little panicked noise and then take off in the other direction; I was goddamn useless when it came to even forming relationships, let alone sticking with them.

That was until Joanna. Man, she was gorgeous; blonde, long legs, gorgeous body, and she’s a Playboy model nowadays, so comments about her rack go without saying. I thought she was crazy out of my league, and I guess in the end she thought so too. The sex was fantastic (I guess it must’ve been for her to tell the entire readership of Playboy and half of the internet all about it), and for almost two years, I actually figured that maybe she was the one. But maybe I’m just not as good a judge of character as I thought; because I always thought that a relationship was kinda exclusively a ‘two person’ deal (unless you’re a Mormon or whatever) and when I found out that ours kinda included a couple million other people, well, sue me- I found that a little hard to handle. She still maintains that I was overreacting; hell, maybe I was, but that’s all part of being uncompromising, right? Sticking to your guns no matter how much it hurts at the time. I don’t know whether I think that the biggest mistake was trusting her in the first place or for not finding a way to ‘compromise’, because I actually had considered the possibility of maybe popping the question sometime, and I’m sure that woulda made my folks a lot happier than they would be if they knew who I was with now.

But that’s why I know that not compromising with Joanna wasn’t my mistake. For a long time, I thought my biggest mistake period was opening up and trusting anybody; she really did a number on me for a long time- I walled up, did the one night stand thing, never let myself get into a position where I might get close to anyone, but then Jared hadta come and throw a spanner into the works, as he does.

I’m not gonna get all mushy and harp on about how he changed my life and taught me how to open up and love again ~~even though he did~~, because I definitely hold to my character’s belief in No Chick Flick Moments, but if I had compromised like Joanna wanted, if I’d stayed with her and stuck out that cliché, ‘man and wife, til death do us part’ bullshit, I’d have been goddamn miserable, goddamn embarrassed, and a goddamn liar; because I don’t think true love is compromising who you are for the person you’re involved with, I think it’s about accepting each other’s flaws, being able to say, ‘no, you’re an asshole and I’ve gotta make my own mistakes’, and loving each other in spite of the differences.

So I guess my biggest mistake in a relationship was not realising what I had sooner. That I had a dud with Joanna, and that I had a soulmate with Jay (we wasted a lot of months in denial, but hell if I’m not gonna make up for it now, however I can).

Muse: Jensen Ackles
Fandom: RPS
Word count: 669

t_m #176: Tell the story of one of your past scars.

2007-05-06T00:37:24Z

Anyone who's read the retro interviews I gave during my DOOL days probably knows that I really enjoy horseback riding; unfortunately our schedule up in Vancouver doesn't present much opportunity for it these days, but every time I'm back home in Richardson, I always make the trek to the Windmill Stables up at Spring Park and take my ol' pal Duke out for a gallop across the woodland trail; makes me feel at peace like nothing in Hollywood ever could.

Still, me and Duke sure do have a torrid history together- I remember when I was eighteen, fresh outta high-school and just about to pack up and go seek my fortune in La-la land that I went for one last go around the trail with Duke, kinda a farewell thing, y'know? Anyway, obviously Duke didn't appreciate my attempts towards an amicable break-up, cause halfway down the trail, the stubborn bastard bucked me clean off- gouged half my leg open on a broken log in the fall- still got the scar to prove it. Jay says I was asking for it really, 'cause who could blame Duke for being bitter over me breaking his heart; I am hard to get over, I know.

When I got to out LA and managed to book a gig, decided to stay and give this crazy game a chance, I did try out another stable in the valley- but damn if it wasn't too different to handle- I never went back. Guess I'm just a sentimental ol' fella at heart, just like Duke.